If I May

Since it's gotten nicer and nicer outside, and the sun has given me more happiness than I've had in quite some time, I'm in a super excited and silly place. There are so many people wearing flip flops and dresses in the city, so many smiling couples and pups out with families in this awesome weather. It seems as though the fresh breeze is carrying bits of happy around and letting it fall on us just when we each really need it. And it's about damn time.

After the bombing last month during our beloved Boston Marathon, there's been a stillness in the city. People have been unsure of how relaxed to let themselves become. Though we've given a sigh of relief after suspects were caught or killed, we still hurt for what happened... and many people question the tragedy. There are tons of unreliable sources spewing what they think we should believe through the sharing of their websites and photographs. It's maddening. I think we deserve some beautiful freaking weather, and a fresh season.

But there is one absolutely terrifying thing about this month.

May is National Irritable Bowel Disease Awareness Month. That's actually wonderful- far from terrifying. But it's the month that I, along with countless others, was initially diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. The change of seasons can wreak havoc on an autoimmune disease, and many people start to flare when the weather gets nicer. It's a crap shoot, but it's our job to try and find things to be happy about everyday. If we don't, we run the risk of getting sick and becoming super miserable. The positive vibes you give yourself are in direct correlation with how good you feel.

If you've got blood running through your veins, you've got the opportunity to make your time on this planet worth something. Even if you're sick. Especially if you're sick.

Make a plan.
Show your teeth.
Grab happiness by the nape of it's neck, and make it your own.

Sometimes even a well-deserved, gorgeous new start is scary. The truth is, people with a lifetime sickness never stop working. Ever. Being on your toes is something that becomes second nature, but can hurt... so we've got to make sure that we're well-rounded in our activity, knowledgeable of our conditions, and willing to sacrifice a lot of things that mean very much to us. At least, for the next few months anyway, we can fight, fight, fight with our toes in the sand and our faces in the sunlight.

You can turn a shitty situation into an opportunity to help others. And to help yourself.
Every moment is what you make it. 

Don't ever let a doctor tell you otherwise.

On Standing Down

Adults make decisions. 

Granted, I live in America and a rather large number of decisions that I witness adults make are rather questionable, if not down right insane. But we're free, and encouraged, to create our own destiny, adventure, or whatever the hipster kids are calling it now. And we're so, so lucky to have that opportunity.

But what about when you've made yourself so informed of the potentially negative or painful results of one decision, rather than the possibility of a victorious outcome? 

OR, you've taken so much of what the people who love you have to say about what it is you should do, that you stop hearing your inner voice?

I'm smack in the middle of making the huge decision of whether or not to start a medication. And I've been here before.

I don't want to be this person anymore.

I'll be honest. The idea of becoming an anti-pharmaceutical crusader and fighting for the natural treatment of my disease and others was an enormous part of my heart for a long time. But I'm sick. And I'm tired. And I feel that if I don't do something soon, I'll be in the comfy wing of the hospital that I know so well, wishing I'd have listened to my doctor. Again.

And blaming her for it. Now, almost one year to the date that I started Remicade, I'm in the exact same place.

I don't want to give up trips, wonderful jobs, and the opportunity for what feels like a normal life. I don't want to hurt my relationships because I'm miserable, or lose parts of myself that I love so much because I'm too afraid to live my life... and I want to smile, feeling amazing and warm, with a baby in my belly. I have to take a leap of faith now and use my brain. I know what a desperate feeling it is to find relief from illness. I know it so well in fact, that I withheld it further from myself because I wanted that healing to come from a natural place. But there is nothing wrong with a band-aid.

If you take it off before it heals into your skin.

For fuck's sake, guys. When you feel it's time to do something, do it. I can always say, with acceptance and self-respect, that I tried.

Because in all actuality, if I don't follow my heart, the only person I'll be disappointing is myself.

Still Stones And Moss

Wonderful things seem to be happening all around me. Friends are having babies, second babies, great career opportunities, and finding tremendous strength in climbing even further from each new and beautiful place that they reach. 

They're wonderful! All of them! And they inspire me all the time.

They're rolling stones, and continue to be moss-free in most of their endeavors because they have the happy attitudes that allow themselves, no matter what, to keep going. Once you get a taste of something good, your drive pushes you to go grab seconds, am I right??

What about the other type of friends though, those stones that seems to sit still and gather inch after inch of soggy moss until it weighs them down completely? I've compiled a list of some sure fire ways to get those lovely little stones rolling again, and on the way to higher hopes. With much personal research, my little Gloomies, these pointers are for you.

Carry your Own Baggage

I'm fully aware that the camera equipment at my feet in this picture does not belong to me, 
but that doesn't mean that I don't know how heavy it is. That said, they still don't outweigh
 my history.

Part of finding your true self and becoming an adult on this planet is recognizing that if you spew your unwanted junk everywhere, no one will want to be around you. There's just got to be fair amounts of give and take, talking and listening. It's always healthy to vent, but solving your own problems will make you an amazingly tough person. And don't sell yourself short, you probably already make a great therapist to the people closest to you. 

Enjoy The Climb

Even grimy, smelly stairs get you somewhere. Shut up and know that every step you take is
going to bring you out into the sunshine again, and taking a look around in the muck can also
be kind of fun. 

Celebrate [Without Taking Advantage Of] Friendships

This is an important one. The ones that I talked about venting to up there, the few that listen and love you unconditionally? Those chums are to be held in very high regard. Be careful that the tear-fests you give them aren't wearing down their faith in you to become super happy [and fun to be around] again. Try to remember that just as getting worked up and being sad is exhausting, so is listening to you getting worked up and sad. At the very least, bring those idiots some cookies in exchange for putting up with your snot-stained sleeves.

Fuck 'Em If They Can't Take A Joke
This is just as important. Not everyone is cut out to be as sympathetic to what you're going though as you'd like. This will never change. Your soul-bearing is extremely overwhelming to some, so be respectful when you might not get the reactions you're looking for. Put your feelers out for who to speak to about your issues, whether you're healing, going through a break-up and can't stop talking about it, or are at your wit's end about a job you hate. A lot of people are [gasp!] generally happy all of the time. Don't rain on parades because you're too wrapped up in yourself. On the other hand-- if you genuinely feel as though you've been wronged or personally victimized by someone who doesn't understand you, don't get upset. Just walk away. In the long run, if they aren't close enough to you to really be able to care, it doesn't matter what they think. Do not hold this against them, just let it go.

Recognize A Greater Power

I don't care what you grew up believing, it's been proven that having faith in a higher power helps to alleviate stress and combat illness. Could it be that the Universe hears you when you're down and out and sends you healing relationships and sunshine? I frigging hope so, because I've been banking on that for a long ass time. Believing in something creates a sense of belonging. A sense of belonging leads to connection with others who share similar beliefs. Human connection can change your entire way of thinking. Freaking start believing that something's pushing you along this rock, already. Even if it's science based.

Know Your Limits

Ooh, you sure look like an asshole in that deep V. No, really. Aside from fashion sense and courageous idea sharing, it isn't okay to do more than you think you should. Even the healthiest person can easily burn out when there's too much going on. I'm talking to everyone here, not just the sickies.

Grow Up
Really? You still haven't filed your taxes? From last year?? Get it together, flapjack. You don't have time to screw around anymore. Your thoughts should be on how to better yourself every day. Go get a notebook, and write down 5 things to do next week that you've been putting off because you haven't felt like doing them, and do them... Then, do it all over again.

Note Accomplishments, Big & Small
How the hell else are you going recognize how you operate? Reward yourself with some praise and feel happy about something you've just done, even if it may be small to someone else. Let others who are close to you know when you're proud of something you've finished, or a new idea you have. Make them happy about believing in their accomplishments, too! 

Treat Yo'Self

Shooot. I like pink and red nail polish. I probably have three of the same shade. It makes

me feel GOOD. What is something that perks you up when you're feeling blue??

Create Your Own Timeline

Moving fast is for race car drivers and downhill skiers. Unless you love speed, and I don't 
mean the movie about the bus, take it slowly. Do what you can, and don't stress about your 
pace. You'll be even more proud of the things you do when you time them right.

Be Logical

My favorite Vulcan would point out when you're being an idiot. Are you willing to do that for yourself? If not, scroll up and read this whole damn post again. Being honest with yourself is one of the most valuable things you can do. If, deep down, you know that something's off, take a step back and rethink what you've got going on. Progress takes time. I've wanted some things in my life to work out soo badly that I've compromised my health to try and grab them. It wasn't worth it, and neither is your rushing something that shouldn't be rushed. Life isn't an Easy Bake Oven. If those brownies aren't ready, they'll give you the shits.


Happy Thursday. Spring is here!

Faking It 'Til You Make It

I know an accomplished artist or two who have let me in on a very valuable secret. This secret comes from years of hard work and real-world art experience. It makes the journey of self-discovery something you actually want to share. 

When I have the energy, I work as much as I can toward goals that I set for myself with my art work. Sometimes it can be hard to connect with people who are in a much more seasoned place than I am, and that's okay. I spent a lot of time being sick and missing out on the opportunities that may very well have kick-started my career. I try not to dwell on that- which is hard when I see someone crank out beautiful work like they're part robot... but, my favorite thing about any struggle I've known is that it always came with hope for success, even if that hope might have been microscopic at the time. A large part of that hope came from artist pals who taught me to fake it 'til I make it. 

That was the secret. Did I set that up right?

[one of the sweetest gifts I've been given]

 It isn't that I think we aspiring full-time artists aren't as valuable as those wo have gone balls to the wall freelance, I just keep thinking that when you hit a certain point in your career, you feel like you've gotten somewhere. Even if that somewhere is simply financial stability. Which is huuuge! I don't expect to be selling out gallery shows anytime soon, but I do like that people don't mind looking at the crap I draw while they eat their sandwiches in cafes in Boston. For now.

There are small ways to "fake" certain things that can be worth while learning experiences for when it's time to apply all of your MacGyvering to what you might think is the real deal. Turns out though, you'll quickly find that allll those small steps are the real deal. And the more you take, the larger you'll realize they are. Get those free business cards from Vistaprint. Start an online portfolio, even if it's a blasted Tumblr page. Mine is. And don't be scared to push or peddle your work!

For instance, I wanted to sell my work online for a really long time. I was pretty scared, considering how many of the people in my circle are celebrated artists. But I started to disconnect from online personas and paid more attention to why I liked so much of what they do. Nothing seemed as if it was  being done for anyone else, and that's the heart of where my work comes from. I decided to make myself a light box and photograph the shit out of a few small pieces that I made.

[You can Google how to do basically anything nowadays...]

Guess WHAT?? It was easy.

Really. Freaking. Easy.

The best part was how really freaking happy it made me. I encourage you to push yourself to do something that scares you, too. After seeing those small pieces on Etsy, selling some, and finding people tweeting about and pinning them, I felt like I could do anything. [Even though most of my support came from friends and family- they count, too!]

I want to get one thing straight. Faking it -to me- does not mean talking to people about how much you know about art. It does not mean pretending to be something you aren't to gain interest in work that you think other people want to see.

My faking it, was convincing myself that I had the grapes to do something I was afraid of, as if there would be no crowd response. Once I ditched a lot of my fears, I was able to jump through the steps that have started a teeny biz. That's just the tip of the iceberg, because once you start, the real key is to keep going with your work as if you hadn't just posted the last thing you finished. Guess we should get busy, right? And I've got much more time since I stopped giving a chocolate chip what anybody thinks of it. That's the truth.

 And really, if I'm faking anything these days, it's when I pretend I'm not the person in the room that just farted.

YOU'RE Out Of Order

When was the last time you saw a stranger on the train who wore something that you thought was nowhere close to stylish or just completely ridiculous? 

Do you think this way often, as shittily as I do? Maybe we're just jerks, but I've been trying to tune down my judgmental thoughts recently because I realized that I had been handing out free [and often incorrect] snap judgments like an underpaid member of a nightclub's street team dishes out poorly designed flyers. 

Have you spent time in Allston? I know, it's packs of Hipster college kids are sometimes unnerving, but I try to look past them to a place where I spent a large part of my 20's and remember that when I hung out at places like The Draft and Model, I was just trying to fit in, too. I noticed lately that I've been judging so many of these kids for doing the same things, and acting in the same ways that I once did.

After ditching the plugs and lip ring that I thought would tarnish grown-up Alicia's face value, I think I did okay, but I miss them.

Then I start to think about how many of my friends still have them. 
AND ARE HEAPS MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN MANY WELL DRESSED OLDER PEOPLE.

The girls that wear crazy, floral print leggings with holes in them that give a sneak peak of lovely young skin that you adore hating? I spent a long while finding reasons to dislike their awesomely stylish outfits. I realized that I've only been jealous of them. I know plenty of fun and talented adults in my social circles that make me totally envious of their progressive and creative fashion sense. Have you met my fucking friend Capricia??

I know incredible Research Scientists who proudly display their tattooed sleeves, and an  amazingly accomplished Designer/Engineer who wears the tightest shorts you've ever seen, AARON PANONE.

My Boyfriend is at the desk next to me right now, on the horn with WBUR and discussing creating a promotional film for them. And the tee shirt he wore yesterday had the word, "things!" written on it with permanent marker.

My point is that you can never judge a book by it's cover. As a sick kid, you'd think I'd try a little harder not to lose sense of that. People have treated me differently for a long time based on how I look. I'm small. Have you any idea the number of strangers that have actually walked up to me and offered up criticism and open speculation about my weight? I'd tell them to piss off.

Now I just have to remember to say that to myself when I start to judge others.

Because without Steve's fancy-pants cameras,
 this is what I have to work with.

Flutter Moment

Last week, I went to the Museum of Natural History on Harvard's campus in Cambridge. I can't remember the last time that I took the initiative to seek out something new to do. This solo time was incredible. [I do have an irrational fear of stuffed, beastly animals and insects that I've developed over the years though, so I baby-stepped my way around the building.]

And holy shnikies, it was rad. It was on the cheap end of the Boston-Tourism-Will-Put-You-In-Debt Spectrum and the children all over the place made for tons of silly fun for awkward adult me.

You should go!

Freshly Squeezed Jerk

Sometimes, rolling with the punches is the last thing you feel like doing. If you become angry about a situation you find yourself in, it may take a bit to talk yourself out of being a jerk and just deal with it. Your face puckers when you get a lemon chucked at your grill- and absolutely no one expects you to smile about shitty news or the promise of super hard work, but there are ways that you can turn things around without gagging on that lemon rind. You've just got to tell yourself to shut it, and accept your new challenge with a brave little grin.

For example, two days ago I had a colonoscopy to see where I am in my Crohn's healing. The results weren't what I'd been hoping for, and I was super pissed. Remission isn't in sight. I cried on the drive home, and even argued with Steven about treatment options that I still want no part of. I had completely ignored that I triumphed in another scary situation, and simply shrugged off the fact that the new images of my guts were heaps healthier this time than they were less than a year ago.

After the initial anger, and the very humbling realization that I was acting like a turd, I decided to change something about this new batch of sadness; come at it with an even stronger knowledge than I had before. I took how much I learned during the last go-round for granted, and upon that shameful hiccup, vowed to get back to the basic, positive understanding of life with my disease that I spent so much time honing.

I shot down to the library, picked up some books on chronic disease, rebuilding your life, and relationship mending, and got to work.

I started making notes. I laughed, cried, fell asleep on one of the books and drooled on it's spine. I spoke out loud to myself as I found "ah-ha" moments. I cried again. Needless to say, Cosmo thinks I'm ridiculous.

I don't want to be a jerk anymore. I'm ready to let go of my anger, and speak out to friends and family the way I used to. I want my life back.

It's funny how sometimes you've got to feel the fear of losing it to get your jump-start. Though, I'm not scared. This time I'm making hard lemonade.

Dirty Laundry

So you've read a lot of personal information about a few people because they love building their blogs, yes?  I have, and I like that... sometimes. But, when someone goes through a great deal of shiiiit, it's hard for them to connect with real, live people about it. Hence, piece after piece of somewhat overwhelming information for a reader or two [or twenty] via the internet.

Mommy blogs go on and on about babies, toddlers, kids in general, and most of us who haven't gotten to that part of life yet don't know how to relate. Vegans and Fad Diet- Chasers are always on the lookout for healthy options in everything they do. I'm not enrolled in a Zumba class, but I'll give props to pals [or even Facebook acquaintances] who bust their asses publicly in an effort to nudge others in a similar direction.

The same understanding should go for healthy people who don't quite get chronic disease. To be fair here, who wants to think about painful situations? Who wants to see pictures of someone in a hospital? As remission is nearer and nearer for me, I'd like to stop thinking about Crohn's Disease entirely. The fact is, I can't. It's with me for the rest of my life. And if I'm receiving thankful e-mails from readers whom I've never met that commend me for sharing painful stories of my journey, those are the reasons I keep in mind when continuing to pen this crap down. 

I believe that if you truly give attention to other people's struggles, it will make you a better and more humble person. Perusing forums and Crohn's blogs has been a fairly large part of my life for the last while now, but I'm not offended if someone thinks this blog is lame. I don't care if even the people that I know are too uncomfy to read it. Getting the masses to sign on to follow my life was never my intention in starting Stale Cabbage. I thank the friends that do read, but I feel it may be necessary to voice that I write for myself, to document my sickness, and to reach out to others who are suffering from super scary things that have also touched my spirit.

I appreciate support from any direction it comes from. And if you disregard something that I write, that's okay. I am not preoccupied with the amount of "likes" or "views" I get. I'm simply happy to have you visit and if we're lucky, walk away with some insight and a chuckle or two.

The more and more we lose ourselves in technology, the less and less we see what's around us. I'm going to do what I can to stay happy, and that means continuing to blab on about my disease. Whatever you do, I hope that you do it because you want to, not because it will go over well with our online community.

New Year, New Fight

Happy New Year.

I am seeing this new measure of time as a good thing, but it will come with an enormous amount of work. My usual, bring-it-on attitude has faltered in the recent months. While I'm still excited about starting 2013 in healthy, happy ways, it's that work I mentioned that I'm having trouble keeping my mind from.

Crohn's remission is something that I've patiently waited three long years for.

I thought that if my body was better, my life would be better.

I've had difficulty going to friends and family with the darkness that's been in my head, my heart. It's documented that after surviving traumatic experiences, people suffering from chronic illness are susceptible to major depression. I continued to stay as positive as I could, given the trying situations that were thrown my way, because I thought that I could be strong enough to avoid it. But with that attempt at such prolonged patience came very much anger. I knew that there was a chance that I could become seriously depressed. You start to mourn the life you lost after being so sick.

You start to hate things you spent years loving. And forget about what made you so happy, you could shit.

For weeks, my routine has steadily dwindled to lying in one place, just as I had when my body gave out on me. I look back at pictures, like the one below, and wonder why anyone would choose to revert back to such a sad place as that. After all of the fighting that I did to get myself back. The truth is, I must have just gotten comfortable there. It was easier to stay inside and sleep than to engage in interaction with the people that I know. It's nothing personal, but being around anyone makes me uncomfortable and question my every move and word.

Stockholm Syndrom.

I've lost interest in conversation with good friends, my family, and the growing responsibilities that I've been so looking forward to- in ways that I hope most of you will never understand. 

I've lost faith.

Despite his desperate pleading for me to get help before I finally did, I just about pushed the love of my life right out of it. 

I've stopped caring about hurting myself. I've stopped caring about everyone, and everything. And I'm so, so sorry.

I've stopped caring about being alive.

Writing this is the last possible thing that I want to be doing right now.

As hard as it is to put this out for everyone to see, I feel somewhat responsible to do so after sharing so much of my journey with Crohn's Disease with other sick people. 

Stale Cabbage took me away from my Crohn's and into a place where I made the rules. I was the boss. My posts were funny to me, they made me giggle at my secret wit. Writing these entries gave me the opportunity to show myself that I wasn't just some sick person. There is a wealth of knowledge at our fingertips to use in healing. I used it to my advantage and stayed the course in getting to that place once. 

I'm making the decision to do it again.

Dear friends, please know that there is nothing worth keeping to yourself that may hurt you. In the sunshine of this new, January morning, I am creating a relationship with myself. If you are thinking of hurting yourself because you lost hope for who you are, could be, are having trouble regaining your life, or are still unable to pinpoint exact reason, please contact someone who loves you. There ARE people that love you.

I am proof that you can find your voice and attempt to save yourself.

For my friends and loved ones:

Some of you may have noticed drastic changes in my attitude, and my withdrawal from social interaction. Please understand that I am seeking help, and am in the hands of wonderful doctors and close friends who know me well and are aware of these sad changes. My healthcare team does not take healing from something I've gone through lightly, and we were more than prepared for such an event. I am heartbroken to have been affected by something so nightmarish, but will continue to heal as I can. 

I know full well that here is very much love in healing.

Rabbit Rabbit.

Here's to Round 2.

Get Up, Stay In, & Get Some

Reaction to a new day/ sleep being over/ waking from that dream where Lindsey Lohan is my Life Coach again, can hit me in two ways. I either bask in the beautiful morning sunshine, or roll myself out of bed with a profound hatred for daylight. Luckily, this morning came with exciting work and I was able to wake happily.

My mornings are usually happy, though. I climb out from whatever cramped position my dog puts me in, with newly-hatched bird hair and the need for a bathroom. Most mornings for people living with Crohn's start this way. Our eyes are finally open, but our guts have been working overtime all night. This is no cause for panic for me, as most people ever staying in my home are kind enough to haul ass when I need them to finish up in front of the mirror. 

Today, I'd like to talk about urgency. Yeah, there was just a paragraph about rushing to a toilet, but what I mean to describe is the feeling that life hands you just as you may think that your starting to slack on what's important. I am one of the countless jerks who puts things off, but mostly because situations that call for responsibility can be almost terrifying, not because I don't have the want or need for progress and grown-up ish to do. I don't blow off all adult thought. Even though every single time I say the word "progress", I sing in my head the song from Nacho Libre that plays during a scene where Ignacio and Esteban shop with their wrestling winnings for the first time. Remember it? Just me?

Maybe that's because people with chronic disease are stunted every time they're knocked on their asses. It's comfy to revert to thoughts that require little effort, or moods in which a chat with a loved one can be helpful in pulling me back to the real world.

[You are a real person, even if you feel you're just watching the rest of them from your window]

In more than a few instances, it's fantastic to get a re-do. I won't even pretend to think otherwise. But, in a lot of cases, I find myself lost just talking to friends that I've known for years. Being cooped up for a long time can really screw with your head. The best thing... okay, after all that dancing around your apartment, the best thing to do is give yourself a project.

Even if you think they'd be super duper teeny weenie to anyone else, projects that you create for yourself can actually save your sanity. I know I've been preaching this for some time now, but it's so true that I even forget, stumble upon the idea all over again, and become inspired just as I had the last damn time I started thinking this way. You know what? Time after time, I am proved right. 

Last weekend, I made bird feeders. That's right. Peanut butter smeared on a spent toilet paper roll, covered in bird seed.

To some of you, it may seem like a ridiculous thing to do. In which case, piss off. To others, it can be a way to give back to our fuzzy, feathered yard- dwellers. And it's something to feel awesome about, because believe it or not, you're putting yourself out there for another living thing [even if he is a little dude who can't tell you if he even likes the seed blend you've given him].

The bottom line is that you can only go at your own pace to feel truly happy. Don't worry too much about what you should be doing, and pay attention to what you are doing. Take your time. You'll be zipping all over the place, wishing you had the time to sit on your bum and talk to birds before you know it.

I promise..